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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 4, 2012 1:30am-2:00am PDT

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>> do you know how much weight you gained during your pregnancies? would you have... how would you have felt had someone criticized you for gaining too much captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us! khrapb(crowd chanting "stephen) (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much! thank you so much! wow, wow, thank you, please. ladies and gentlemen, i have to tell you, with a greeting like that you would make me drunk with power if i weren't already high on life. (laughter) nation i don't know how to say this but i need to start the show tonight with a rare apology or cobbology. (laughter) we're still working on the name. i've never made a mistake before. (laughter) you see, last night i talked about so-called pink slime, the meat-like product whose real name is actually lean finely textured beef or l.f.t. b.
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l.f.t. b. because our beef now has so many hormones it's a member of the transgender community. (laughter) apparently some in the twittersphere have accused me of being transphobic. so i just want to get out in front of this and say that i, stephen colbert, apologize to any of my transgender bovine viewers. (laughter) that may have been offended. no matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, i want to be clear that i would be proud to grind you up and eat you. (laughter) and let us end the hateful stereotype that the cow says moo! bulls should be free to say moo, too, without judgment. let's not pigeon hole. or care what pigeons do with their holes. please. no letters. (laughter) folks everyone knows kids love hearing about election law. (laughter)
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that's why for days now i've been offering college kids my colbert super pac super fun pack available for just $99 in this limited edition genuine cardboard box. (laughter) it contains everything you need to be a playa in the 2012 election. (laughter) like step-by-step instructions on how to form your own super pac, an allen wrench, and other things. well, tonight, i am adding one of these exclusive buttons to each box. a button which, when pressed will offer expert not legal advice from former chairman of the f.e.c. and my super pac lawyer mr. trevor potter. there are five different buttons each with different advice. collect them all! you will find them way more helpful than the clarence thomas buttons which play five different silences. (laughter) plus, plus, folks, you get this
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official certificate of president hood personally signed by me and my political advisor ham rove. (laughter) it could be... good man. it could be the most valuable certificate you'll receive in college. (laughter) and, of course, you will get this actual treasure map you just crack the code, find the treasure and i will visit your college as part of my booker to. note to self, write book. (laughter) just go to and order yours today. supplies are limited and, due to a manufacturing error, highly flammable. (laughter) okay, folks, but enough about my secret of super pacs. i want to talk about my even more secretive super pac, colbert super pac s.h.s. so named because it can raise
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(bleep) loads of money. (laughter) and it never has to disclose its donors because it is a quasi-charitable organization called a 501c 4. critics say groups like mine are unregistered money guns shooting up the election with untraceable political slush fund who-to-which i say uh-huh. (laughter) but some state governments out there want to expose the names of our donors! but my hero karl rove who has his own 501c4 cross roads g.p.s. is not taking this lying down. he is taking it sitting up at fox news. >> now this talk of state treasurers whtreasurers who mann funds and invest money with big hedge funds saying we're going to force those funds to disclose their money so we know if they're if you believing money is-to-specific super pacs, what do you make of that line of attack? >> we've seen this before. in the 1940s and '50s a number of state attorneys
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general attempted to force a 501c 4 to disclose its donors. their purpose was to intimidate people to not give to that organization. the group was the n.a.a.c.p. which is a 501c-4. >> stephen: yes, cross roads g.p.s. is just like the n.a.a.c.p., the national association for the advancement of corporate person hood. (laughter) and carl is their martin luther king, jr. he has been to the mountain top! technically it was aspen and he took the chair lift, but that still counts. (laughter) and civil rights, folks... yes. (cheers and applause) no one's going to keep a good man down. civil rights organizations like ours are being attackd from all sides. just this past friday a district court judged ruled 501c-4s must disclose their donors. why? sperm banks don't! (laughter) some do. oh, i have a ton of phone calls to make.
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(laughter) and according to the "new york times" the i.r.s. is now pressuring 501c-4s like mine to just phi their tax-protected status as social welfare organizations. of course i'm a social welfare organization! i believe welfare is socialism! (laughter) well, i refuse to reveal my donors and i will not be the one going to jail. it's going to be you, ham rove! you're the brains of this outfit! (laughter and applause) listen up, mister, you're the brains of this outfit and you're the ground up lips and other tkpwapb meat. you're going to the big house and i tell you, they ear going to eat you alive. probably with some brown mustard. you might turn state's evidence, i can't trust you. what have i done? (laughter) i need a lawyer.
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please welcome the former f.e.c. chair and my personal lawyer mr. trevor potter. trevor, thank you so much for coming. (cheers and applause) trevor, i'm scared! i'm in big trouble here. this judge says that all the 501c-4s have to reveal their donors. why, why, why? >> well, there's a feeling that under law if you are engaged in political activity and running advertisements you ought to disclose who's paying for the ad. >> stephen: but that's like saying how a magic trick works! and no one wants to know how i'm sawing democracy in half. why is the i.r.s. starting to poke around in the super pac groups? >> well, these are groups that have filed an application with the i.r.s. and they have claimed status of social welfare organizations. >> stephen: right! which is what i am! and what is that?
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(laughter) >> a social welfare group is a group that exists to further public policy goals. they're not supposed to be a political organization so they're. >> stephen: how much political organization can i do? >> i'd surprise you and say it's all a little gray. >> stephen: i love that. >> but your primary purpose must be social welfare. >> stephen: of course, did you bring a briefcase? >> i did bring a briefcase. >> stephen: every time you come here you have a magic piece of paper that gets me around whatever particular federal election law i may or may not be violating. (laughter) what do enough your case today? >> i don't have anything for you today. >> stephen: you are a terrible lawyer. (laughter) >> actually, no, i'm a good lawyer so we took a careful look at the law and realized that you do not have to file anything with the i.r.s. until after the election. >> stephen: so when i formed my 501c-4, colbert super pac
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s.s.h., we didn't tell the i.r.s.? >> that's right. >> stephen: that we were in existence or what we'd be doing with the money? >> that's right. we're waiting until after the election to tell them that. >> stephen: until after it doesn't matter anymore. (laughter). >> stephen: . >> right. >> stephen: and everything's cool as long as we don't tell them. >> right, as long as they're not watching tonight, for instance. (laughter). >> stephen: well, we'll edit this out. trevor, sorry, you are a good lawyer. while i've got you here, you heard about the button, didn't you? >> i did hear. >> stephen: it's called the trevor may i button and it will be in all the super pacs super fun packs and i have something in my briefcase and it is the five things i would like you to read that will be in the button. >> i have a feeling i'm going to regret this. >> stephen: okay, number one... >> i was hoping you wouldn't ask
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that because the answer is yes. (laughter) >> stephen: all right, trevor may i. >> i'm not entirely certain if that's legal. but it would make for an interesting appeals process. (laughter). >> stephen: that's exciting. trevor may i. >> if i were your lawyer i would advise against it but i'm a button so go nuts. >> stephen: trevor may i. >> well, everything's legal (laughter) >> stephen: trevor may i. >> every time you press this button i'm billing you $200. (laughter) >> stephen: trevor potter, thank you so much. (cheers and applause) trevor potter, everybody. good-bye, trevor! (cheers and
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>> welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. nation, tonight is primary night for wisconsin, maryland, and washington, d.c it is so adorable how d.c. tries to vote just like the real states. it's like a dog with peanut butter in its mouth. it looks like he's talking 500,000 americans are disenfranchised. woof. (laughter) and with mitt romney picking up major endorsements and almost
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half the delegates tonight could be a make-or-break for rick santorum. not that rick would ever consider quitting because got does not approve of pulling out. (laughter) folks, i am glad... (applause). i for one am glad that this good man is keeping in the there, because he is a culture warrior. just listen to santorum telling how bad our colleges have beco become. >> . >> i was just reading something last night from the state of california. the california universities, they're... several... i think it's seven or eight of the california system of universities don't even teach an american history course. not even available to be taught. >> stephen: that is an outrage! american history should be one of the cornerstones of a college education. the other cornerstone being getting stoned in a corner. (laughter) the only thing that would be more outrageous is if this were
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true. (laughter) jim? >> the statement was wrong. >hereare the actual facts. all of the schools in the california state university system and all but one in the u.c. system offer b.a. degrees in history. this is the chair of the history department at cal state east bay who, by the way, says she's a republican. >> we're all online. he can go look at the catalog and see what's offered and see the course requirements. i think he just kind of pulled it out... i don't know where he pulled it out of. (laughter and applause) i'll tell you where he pulled it out of. his heart. (laughter) and i don't really believe rick got this one wrong because he cited a clear source. what was that source again, jim. >> i was just reading something last night from the state of california. >> stephen: right. like all critics of higher education, rick subscribes to the same west coast newspaper i do. it's the "something from the state of california news."
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(laughter) oh, what do you know? at u.c. davis you get an "f" if you're not gaye. hmm. (laughter) that's a shocking infographic. okay, fine. so maybe nine out of ten schools in the u.c. system not only teach american history but require their students to take it. but all that means is rick was a little off with his math. but if his continued campaign has proven anything, it's that he does not care about math. (laughter) besides, the basic message was right. there is one school in the u.c. system that does not offer a course in u.s. history. u.c. san francisco. surprise, surprise. and what's their excuse? they're a medical school. (laughter) oh, really? (cheers and applause) it's just more haight-ashbury elitists trying to push u.s. history out of our medicine.
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that means these so-called doctors aren't going to have a clue how to whittle george washington's wooden teeth or prescribe the tincture of mercury that cured ben franklin's syphilis. i certainly hope when rick santorum moves on to the california primary june 5 he does not get an intestinal blockage because i don't think the doctors out there are as qualified as santorum the to pull things out of his ass. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight is the governor of my home state of south carolina. i hope she doesn't secede from this interview. please welcome governor nikki haley! (cheers and applause) what have we got? what's this? >> well, first of all, it's a great day in the state of south carolina. >> stephen: everyday is a great day in south carolina. >> yes, it is. so we want to bring you the 2011. ac.c. champions helmet signed by coach sweeney and you have to read the inscription. >> this is from clemson, the reverend sir doctor stephen t. mos def colbert go tigers. all in. that is fantastic. thank you very much. clause i've got family that works for clemson. >> stephen: . >> do you?
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>> stephen: absolutely. my sister works at the drive train facility in charleston where they're testing the new wind turbine. >> it's awesome! >> stephen: so exciting. it's going to be the largest drive train testing facility for wind turbines in the world! everybody from around the world is going to test their engines in south carolina. are we going to lead the world in wind power? >> yes. >> stephen: absolutely. i thought so. all right. madam, thank you so much for coming on. besides being the governor of the great state you have a new book called "nikki haley: can't is not an option." my american story. how is can't not an option because as a conservative i believe that can't is a way of life. you can't come into my country and you can not get married if you're gay. (laughter). >> stephen: i'm the proud daughter of indian parents that brought us to a small southern town in south carolina. i was born and raised there and there were challenges all our life. >> stephen: it's an extraordinary story. your parents are from india. they came here as immigrants and
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now you are not only the first female governor but the first racially diverse governor of south carolina. >> right. >> stephen: how did you do that? >> i think it says so much about the people of south carolina that they would elect a 38-year-old indian american female for governor. it says that south carolina has changed, it's progressed and a great place to live and start a business. >> stephen: now i have to say something. something i cannot avoid. your parents were immigrants. they came to the united states. you're an anchor baby. (laughter) i'm sorry. technically you're an anchor governor now. >> no, i'm not. >> stephen: really. >> my parents came here legally with $8 and they started all over. they left wealthy life-styles... >> stephen: $8? >> they wanted an opportunity for their children. >> literally $8? >> that's all you could bring. >> stephen: when was this 1845? (laughter) that's extraordinary. now what do you make of south carolina politics? because i ran for president in
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south carolina in 2008. >> i remember. >> and i considered it this time in 2012 and i love my home state but the politics are one notch above honduras, wouldn't you say in. (laughter) >> it's a blood sport. i wear heels and it's not for a fashion statement, it's ammunition. >> stephen: you keep them sharpend? >> i do. for kicking. >> stephen: we're going to have to do a little bit of a south carolina palmetto off, if i don't mind. >> i get to ask you one for every one you ask me. >> stephen: oh, okay, sure. sure, we can play that. i'll start easy. what's the state bird? >> the carolina wren. what's the state drink? (laughter) >> stephen: there's a state drink? >> it's milk. (laughter) >> stephen: i didn't realize my state was so boring. all right, what's the state amphibian? >> hmm.
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>> stephen: oh! how does it feel when the spiked shoe is on the other foot? it's the spotted salamander. you just blew your reelection young lady. >> what's the state snack? >> stephen: (bleep). (laughter) fried anything. >> boiled peanuts. >> stephen: oh, of course! i have tried to feed my friends up here in new york boiled peanuts and they always just say "oh, great, here comes colbert with more of his damp food." (laughter) what is next for south carolina? how's unemployment going down there? >> it's down for the seventh month in a row. >> stephen: really. and we're not going to credit obama for that, are we? >> no, we are not. >> stephen: thank you. (applause) now you have endorsed mitt romney. would you accept the position of the vice presidential candidate because he's got to close the deal with women and hispanics and you're a woman and you can change... >> and indian.
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>> but you can change the "h" in haley to a "j" and who would know the difference? would you accept the position if offerd? >> no, i would not accept. and it's because... >> stephen: hey, hey, can't is not an option. (laughter). (cheers and applause) nikki haley from south carolina, governor nickie haley. can't is not on op ah, welcome to i get it...guys weekend. yeah! if you're looking for a place to get together, you came to the right place. because here at, we're only about hotels. yeah! yeah! noooo. yeah! finding you the perfect place is all we do. welcome to
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ewe're going to have you taste. the first one we're going to call x. go ahead and take a sip, and then let me know what the baby thinks of it. four million drivers switched to this car insurance last year. oh, she likes it babies' palates are very sensitive so she's probably tasting the low rates. this is car insurance y, they've been losing customers pretty quickly. oh my gosh, that's horrible!, which would you choose? geico. over their competitor. do you want to finish it? no. does the baby want to finish it? no.
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